Distance

Haiz, today my test is the worst of all. I get an unexpected mark for bio test, which is for most of the people, it is extremely easy!!! OMG, i cannot believe the score i get, i kept reviewing it, until then i realize, WHAT AM I WRITING?? OMG, the headache really bothering me, i really hope i can get over it during physics test, but as usual, i had to get through another test with my head bombing around my neck. Haiz, i do not want to explain why i get so low marks in my test, I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE REASON FOR MY OWN MISTAKE. The moral of the story? Next time study harder, my target is still beyond reach, i am just not good enough for now, but i promise myself, next time will be better, and better and better....

I AM JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH huh? This kind of phase i did not thought about it for a long time already. Since i started my college, i aim to be better and better, and there is no such word as not good enough and because of that i began to give up on everything. The last time i thought about it..... is during my secondary. Ahh, how nostalgic, it is the time where i began to give up everything. At that time i felt like i have lost everything in this world, i had lost the reason to continue to improve myself....

She is a kind and hardworking person, likes drama and comics a lot, i think, especially in romance comics/novel/drama. Haiz, such a naive person, she is the person i know that still believe that fairy tales will come true; she is the first person i know that believe love in the first sight ( ok now a lot also believe). I wonder, in the end she will only get cheated by guys. Haiz, but because of that i dont know why, i suddenly become worried and worried, if she really get cheated then what will happen. This is the 1st time i get worried about something that is not relevant to my life. I kept spinning my head, eventually i reach my desk, i open my drawer, it is empty..... as usual. Emptyness? Maybe in the end , i just need someone who really can share my thoughts...

Eventually one day, she told me she in love with someone. I really happy that time, hoping she will be end up with him. But because of that day onward, i begin to fell the distance between me and her, maybe she knew that i like her. Who cares, all i need is friend, i rather myself suffer that seeing the person i like suffer. But things wont change even after sometimes, the distance that i felt is getting further and further away. Maybe in the end i really is a burden to her after all. but because of that i lost a friend? I really hope that the distance will cut short.

Since that day onward, the only way to approach her is by asking homeworks and exam stuff. Haha, because of that, a lazy bum like me suddenly become hardworking, it is really little bit unusual for me. But since i not good in conversation, i think this is the only way i can use. As time flew, i begin to wonder, if i can reach the level of hers, maybe i our friendship still can be retain, so i begin to study seriously over a period of time..... However, after the 1st sem exam and the 2nd sem exam, my results is not as good as hers, and she is kept improving every time. But i never give up, i used up all my energies for the 3rd sem exam, and during that period, i only realize... She is stepping forward, improving, to reach the level of the person she love. Although i am also improving, i never going to win her, even reach her level..... This is the time i really felt the long distance between me and her. As if me and her live in the different part of the world. She is stepping forward to the person that she care about, and i am? I am just a 3rd person that step into her life, disturbing her perfect life plan. I say i wanna be better than her, but in the end i am just wanna see her, afraid to lost sight of her. I began to thought of my friends word, a person who has no value in one's life will be forgotten as time fade away. I finally realize the meaning of the word, a person who she never cares about will not be written in the history book of hers.

Since then, i had became a totally different person. Hardworking? Kiashu? Anything. I just dont wanna repeat the same mistake i made from the past. But sometimes, when i tired of everything, i will slow down and watch to the sky. I WONDER HOW FAR CAN I GO WITHOUT LOOKING BACK? I DONT THINK I WILL GO VERY FAR, I WILL NEVER DO. BUT AT LEAST, FOR THIS ONCE, MY DRAWER, NOW IS NOW FULL OF STUFF, THAT I AIM FOR, FOR THIS ONCE.