Goodbye, another me

It was 12am in the morning and i just came back from the class gathering held in alfie house. It has been 2 years since i last meet all my old classmates, since alfie and some of the people are leaving soon, they make this gathering so that all of us can meet again, it was very tiring for me since i just finish my exam at the afternoon, and i need to rush to fetch cheng chun, and go to CHS.

When i reached alfie house it has already taken half of my energy away, so i guess i need a good nap to recharge,however, sue ping kept annoying me, haiz i guess i cannot do that, why dont i just relax and enjoy this moment. Wan teng is here, sue ping like to shout out loud everytimes she is here. Even jian de likes to do that, until now, but wat i do is just ignore it, ya i ignore it, as if nothing have happen, why do i need to do like this?

It is quite frustrating, jian de told me before, during the gathering, he will speculated me and wanteng again, and seriously, i really hate that, i dont wan the old times to be repeated again, i dont wan to be rescued again. That leaves me no choice, i have to keep silence from her from the remainder of the gathering, if not jian de will come over and try to mock me again. But it is hard to me, i have always want to have a chance to talk to her, and now, i cannot do it? It is absurb, but i dont have a choice, and i know that very well.

That is not even the case, i starting to act weird in front of people. How come I cannot speak fluently, how come i cannot act normally? That the main idea, i just wan to look bad in front of her, even after 2 years, i still cannot overcome the biggest hole in my soul, which i thought it was already over, but the fact tells, it isnt. But stilll, after yesterday , i am no longer my old self anymore. Thanks for everything, your support, your words, yours action, it had made me to a better person, i appreciate that. But i promised, from today onwards, It will only be me, i no longer need support from you, you got your own life and i have mine, i no longer need to be supported, i no longer need to be pushed by someone else. I am all on my own now, with my determination and own reasons, although i dont know how far i can go without the usual support i get, but i guess, pressure will eventually leads me.

What ends Honey and Clover season 1?

How far can i go without looking back?

I end my old self with the same phrase

Yesterday is the big day, 3 subject exam day, 3 hardest paper of all, physics statistics and chemistry. Luckily i am a good student, got do every stats exercise my lecturer ask me to do, so now i can just review some of my exercise, then i can prepare other 2 subject. The day before that is torturing, 2 days before the exam i start study since 8am, till 3am the next day. The 1st time in my life i have been so hardworking, and yet i have only finish one subject, o my mistake, i finish half of the subject. Great work huh, and yet i still got one subject to go, wake up at 7am, continue with another subject. Sleepy yet tiring, i went to baths 5 times, drink a lot of ginseng, no coffee thank you, and some chinese tea as well. in the end i reach my goal, slept at 12am. Good, i guess i all prepared for now, i wish i can study more but then i guess i m too tiring for that. So i went to exam with less confidence, but then i kept teling myself dont think the question is that hard, and so i went through the 1st paper with no problem, at least better than bio. Chem is up next and it is easier than it looks, the 1st time in this exam i actually got time check my paper. Stats appear the hardest, i dunno how to do a question worth 10marks, arr never mind, i guess i did my best, and i guess i totally exhausted before that paper. Before i went home, i went to some place randomly, and have a sit, take a deep breath, man wat a day, seriously make me wanna pengsan, after that i drove my car, woo, two days to go, have to work hard.

Amazingly i got the ability to study for such a loong period, and this time i have no inspiration at all. Got a period i seriously need to find a way to inspire myself, all my inspiration dunno where to get, in the end i went to a website i visited ages ago, my own blog, i read it, and it inspire me back, surprise surprise, the emo word that i used to write really inspire me, and all thanks to this, i become determined, very determined, i think i really need to write more in the future, and for sake of me as well.

2 more days, i will officially free, and i can do a lot of things i never did before, good good, i cannot wait for that day, i can go to my friend uni and chuan them, say i holiday u all dont have, but i headache about uni application, i guess i start with IELST. ok jia you!!

It has been 5 month since the last post, without realizing it, time flew. It is a good way to let ppl to forget about this site, since i dont know how they do it, manage to find this blog. Seriously, i really hope that no one will actually read this blog, since it is just a place for me to release all my discomfort and frustration. There are some ppl ask me before, why u consider write it on a blog instead in a book or stufff =.=. Right, book is the safe place, but still, i am a clumsy fella, so in case i lost the book, and someone look at it, and i am seriously in trouble. So consider that maybe someone who are becoming less and less emo, writing a blog is a best way.

3 weeks ago is my sis 21st birthday party, as a super "wonderful" brother (being forced to do so) i have to help out my sis to take photoes, talk with guests, bring them meal/ drinks and stuff, it is unexpectedly busy, i have a whole night of walking around, with beer ( i cannot drink it fortunetely ) and a pink shirt, seriously i prefer black =.=. When i finnaly got a chance to sit down, have my own meal and drinks, a friend of my mother, came to me and said, hey, u have changed, not like last time, quiet and act cool. I have changed huh, i dunno is a good sign or a bad sign, but still if i wan to become a dentist in future, i must remember the 1st thing my mentor teaches me~~ the second most important quality of becoming a dentist is social. Since i was in college, i have always try my best to chat with other ppl, and in the process i learn some skill from it, and it is fun, not like the day i used to stuck in computer games, where i dont have chance to go social. Even my friends scold me for being lame, haha at least there are ppl scold me and teast me now. I suddenly recall wat nick said to us after the pangkor trip, why our trip is split into 2 group, why dont u all just become like me, go around each group and make friends. That time i really feel sorry for myself, i dont have enough courage and confidence, and because of that i lost chances of making a fun trip for us, and dissapoint at lot of ppl as well.

Last month i have a chance to meet my friends from LPS~~credit for guo dong. Yet again =.= they say i have change a lot, physically and mentally, arr how may times do i have to hear that, to be honest, i dont like ppl to say me change. Like come on, i am still tan pei shian, same name, same writing style and same brain. However i really did admit i changed a bit, so i just smile and say, ya i know. Smile huh, i remmeber when i was in form 3 to form 5, i like to smile a lot, just to let someone know, i am actually very cheerful person, just to let other ppl knows, i had a very awesome life, just to let my enemy knows, i never stab their back with a knife, and yet that time i just a sad and emo bastard. As i get to know more and more person, get to know their story, get to see how their life changed because of something, i realize something, why people get angry, and why people like to scold, even cost them thousands of cellular death per minutes, because it is actually a process of growth, because i get scold from my lectuerer, my lecturer praise me for huge improvement in just 1 week, because i get scold from my parthner, i learn to wash away my bad habit when i shooting, because ppl scold me for not being helpful, i learn how to help without letting ppl know i actually did it. Emotion is an art, yet everyone have it, but since it is so common, so one actually appreciate it.

My exam going to start soon, so i stop DOtA, since so kaki, i restict myself only can play 2 match a day in NBA, and no more mid valley and pyramid for me before my exam finish. Well of course no more sing k. Since it is so bored, i randomly take out a cd and watch it, ahh i have chosen honey and clover, not bad~~~, but why, why this time i watch it, i not as emo as last time, i have no more heart break feelings, i have not cried. Ahh now i know, i not as emo as last time already, hooray? Now even watching marley and me i also no feeling. It is a good thing u know,at least from now on, i got confidence to pikat perempuan, ahhaa, i so bad

I remember wei ling asked me, do u still like her? I forget wat i told her, but does it make a different? however i really appreciate what she have implement on me, totally changed my life, it is just like a turning point on a graph, help me realizing how useless am i, how uncool am i, how stupid am i, and now here is a new me, i cannot say that now i am perfect or stuff, at least it is better than last time, at least now i got an ambition and target, compliment to her. I really appreciate it, but she still like last time, like a person dont dare to tell, after knowing the truth suffer alone, after suffering have a negative thought, still as dumb as usual, and yet still holding some hope, hoping the next time the person is the right person, and will not suffer again. Now even jian de ask me the same question, do they really so interested in my relationship status =.=. But as i said, it does not make any difference, i remember the 1st time i did it, it was real, and yet rejected. But no one will expect the 2nd time i tell her that, is actually a way to inspire myself, and i did it, i really did it, it really makes me a better person now. BUt i know there will not be 3rd time, the moment she told me she used to believe one sight love, i know that i must let her free, so just like i said, it does not make any difference.

OMG, i write for so long still have not emo, if i cannot emo, i cannot inspire well in my studies, arrr suddenly miss the day of being an emo guy. But now i just cant emo, o well, i think i just need to enjoy for not being emo for the time being, at least now i know, i smile because my life as good as it goes, surrounded by people who has their own turning point in their life

Tagged by Yingxin ( yet again)

SORRY!!!!!!!!! After 2 weeks i only reply the tag. Hope u dont mind. OK.... lets start

Rules:
1. Those who get tagged must answer the question themselves
2. At the end of the post, tag 10 person except the person who tagged you
3. Continue this game by sending this to people( refer to 2)

Time: 00:51 Name: Tan Pei Shian
Age/date of birth: 20/9/90 School: Catholic (high) not church
Elder brother: no
younger brother: got ( lazy to type name)
Elder sister: got ( same thing here)
younger sister: no

Favorite liquid(drinks): lake water
Favorite consumable(foods): kari
Favorite place of sleep: padang

Flying? I will get a flying sheep for that
Swimming/ Diving? As if i know how to swim =.=
How much friend in MSN: WHO CARES!!!
Couple? I saw a lot on the streets
Loved one? Got!! A lot!!! But lazy to list out XD
Get kicked on the butt? Never!!!
Allergic?? to almost everything on earth
Gastric?? too fat for that
Whole fortune? Like i know about it =.=
Age of marriage? 28-30!! Wuhahaha i plan everything for that
Children wanted? Depends on how many ACCIDENTSS
Age of death?? As long a gots my wife still alive, i will not pass away
Animals in house? I a pug
Longest fingernail kept ever?? Before being caught by disciplinary teachers
Sleepmate? My 10 years old pillow
Wanted birthday present? machine that swindle money from rich fella
the end? Never!!!

Q: In your dream a god tell u r a billionaire in your dream world and give you a wish, what would you wish for?

A: I wish money can buy a person heart, and time

Ten person to tagged?
P.S.>>> Screw the rules, i got GREEN WORDS!!!!

A game of mafia

There was a camp just a few weeks back. The camp was ok, except the fact that the schedule is a bit too tighten, i do not even have the chance to sleep well... but the fun part in the camp is, well for some of us alright, is we play mafia game at almost midnight. It is a familiar game for me, last time i play was during class trip, where i screw up most of it. O well, since john playing along me, i think now we just have an encore from the last time. Game after a game, i starting to understand the phyloshophy of the game.... good news, i starting to guess correctly whos the mafia, and the others are supporting me as well, my friend starting to get curious, asked me.. hey how u know who is the mafia>> easy, because everyone here including me, has the possibilities of mafia.

Right, everyone in my life is mafia, just like what my pass working partner told me, u better be more careful rather than just trusting people entirely, even your customer will turn back on u. Conclusion? Just be alert everyday, and dont get overexcited just because you done something good, successfull; dont get too depressed when u lost a fight. Career like a see-saw, when u try to get to the top of the see-saw, u eventually find urself at the bottom on another side of see-saw. the highest position one can get, is the middle part of the see-saw. However, there is a way to get to the highest part of the see-saw, is when u got all ur defeated enemy, friends and family, on the another of see-saw.

During the exam

Finally it come down to the last 2 weeks of exam, is it a bless or a curse. Time flew so quickly, without noticing there are only 4 more papers to go. Even so, instead of spend time revising back some old topic, i spend more time on games. It is just like what all my friends said, this type of timetable are meant to be slack, even my friend who going to buy a book to read, go into some kind of ridiculous website, search for an even more ridiculous book title, and went to pyramid popular to ask about the book... in the end, the popular which consider small by my friend, say it does not have the book, and asked him to either wait for 3 months, or fill a form to "tempah" it from overseas. What he do is, he just dont bother and said, i might as well search for another book. Omg, imagine how free he is.

Denied the fact that exam in on the way, i still searching a way to use my car... What to do? My parents wont allow me to drive during exam. So thats mean the futherest place i can go is bukit jalil.. Again!! Arr, i starting to hate the road to bukit jalil. Maybe if i find my friends, and suggest to go shopping or go somewhere else, can put my car into good use. Yes!! I am such a brilliant fella, lets start off with ching yee...exam till end of november....next is chiping or chia yang.....examing......next is form 5 fella.....spm. Ok i give up, i getting to understand this period of time everyone is busy preparing for their final exam. Who will actuallly went out to have a movie during this period.

Interestingly, there are one person who always online recently, starting to get curious. So i just open a chatbox and ask. "i got 3 assingment to pass up this week, and chem quiz as well, so is like so much work to do. Starting to feel the pressure." Ahh, now i only realize, everyone are working hard now, and yet what i doing now is slacking, doing things aimlessly. Even during holiday, i should not slack like this, should do something more meaningful. O well, i might as well get back to work again. It is never too late to realize own mistake though, it just like what i used to said in the beggining of the semester. What i used to say......

P.S.>> Everyone inspired me this time, the motivation is no longer given by one person any longer. So is it this time, i getting more to more to myself?

Just like usual

Dont know how many days ago, i went to pasar malam in sunway after college with sie hui. To be honest, this is the 1st time i went to pasar malam since i have move to serdang to live. The scene is still the same, the environment is still the same. Although the location is different ( the pasar malam i go is in pj), but everything still look unchange. I look around, walking around, finding delicious food to try on.... i think the only thing i manage to do in 20mins is just eat. So i think i dont have time to walk around to buy some stuff. Somemore i got only rm2, what can i do with that =.=. Suffering!! Saw so many tasty looking stuff... as if they are waving hand, come here and eat me, i am delicious, but ARGGG, nothing i can do without cash. So in the end i return, at least not empty handed, i manage to buy some ikan stuff to feed on, but it is not as delicious as the one i bought in pj. Luckily Sie Hui would love to share some of her chao lo pak with me haha.

Just the blink of the eyes, i saw a old couple selling soya bean. By the time i realize it is when i am in the car. Is it the one who i used to be a customer since i was small? I remember, when i am just a little innocent child, i am unusually wild when my parents say we are going to pasar malam, because going to pasar malam, i get see a lot of stuff. Remark~~ SEE. Everytime i go pasar malam, i only given the task to take the stuffs that my mother bought. I never manage to buy anything. It is a rule, because we are poor, we cannot spend money on unessary things, even toys i get it free from my cousins. Even so, going pasar malam is a havoc for me, every sunday is a bless, I went to pasar malam with my mom, going around, buying fruits and breads, and in the end i get to buy a pack of SOYA BEAN!! Yeah, soya bean drink is the only thing i get when i go pasar malam. However, the soya bean is tasteless, because it has too many ice, and the amount of sugar is too low. But worth it since it only cost me 80sens, more than that, it is made using the traditional way, not using some kind of machine, so i love it. Even so, that was about 5 years ago, i think next time i visit the stall again, the stall keeper will be a diffrent person, no longer the old couple who always ask, kid, wan to buy soya? It can make u grow taller o.

When sie hui bought the chao lo pak go, it reminds me of my friend dad and mom who also chao lo pak goh on the street. I never tried before, whenever i go pasar malam, i saw my friend, helping her parents to pluck the tauge roots, and now the person who standing in front of me, look just like my friend's dad, but i think he will not recongnize me, and dont even know about the promise i made with his daughter.

"How far can i ride without looking back" Takemoto Yuuta, Honey and Clover

The world is spinning, people are moving, if we not moving, we will lost our balance and fall, and yet i kept looking at past. I think is the time, to adjust myself again.